by Taryn Cooksey
For a few years, I would routinely post a massive update to Facebook with the most confusing sexy costumes I found online that year. This year I have access to a magazine and can project my snark to a much wider audience. Yes, I know you’ve probably already read like three of these listcicles from others sources. Luckily the terrible costume market is a vast and broad playing field.
As a quick aside — I have no issue with anyone who wants to look or feel sexy during Halloween; certain costumes lend themselves to sexiness, and Halloween can be a great excuse to step outside your norms and have some fun. Alas, determined to ruin all things good and fun, the companies that make costumes saw profit potential and started churning out sexy versions of every damn thing you could think of. Sexy vampires, witches, and cats just weren’t enough, and that is when things took a turn for the deeply confusing. So please join me on this year’s guided tour of the most baffling of the bunch.
Sexy Beast of Disney’s Beauty and the Beast
I shouldn’t fault the costume too much here- most of what’s weird about this is already within the story- Stockholm syndrome, a suitor with an explosive temper, and a smidgeon of bestiality. The sex appeal just writes itself. But the costume is odd in its own right. Sexy Beast here was enraged enough to rip up their leggings, but calm enough to keep their coat and miniskirt intact? And why are the gloves too small? Can Beast not find larger white gloves?
Sexy Unicorn-Cat Thing?
Again, I feel like I’m cheating slightly, but mostly I can’t tell what this is supposed to be. It’s got a unicorn horn and hooves (sort of), and cat ears and tail, along with plenty of fetish gear, because why not? This feels like the My Little Pony and Josie and the Pussycats crossover that went horribly wrong.
Again. What is it supposed to be? I suspect the minds behind this one just rummaged through the leftover parts bin and the Sexy Costume Warehouse. In my mind the conversation went like this:
“What’ve we got in the bin, Hal?”
“Well Ed, there’s a weird unitard thing and a riding crop…”
“A sort of crown like you’d see on a playing card”
“Okay… we can work with that.”
“And several Mortal Kombat Scorpion masks…”
“Still? Dammit, spray paint them red and throw them in.”
Is anything sexier than a primordial and unknowable evil that takes the form of a clown to murder children and devour their souls? I think not! Oh baby, show me your deadlights… oh yeah.
Continuing our theme of sexualized characters that makes no damn sense at all… Yoshi! Or at least Yoshi’s disembodied head and hands strapped to the head of some poor woman. I’m glad there’s finally a costume that meets the needs of the decapitated dinosaur fetishists out there. If you hurry you can do a group costume with this Sexy Trump Penis! (Sorry, had to.)
Sexy Playboy Bunny Logo
I need to make something very clear — this is not a Playboy Bunny costume. Those are too cliché. This is a Playboy Bunny Logo costume. The logo. I legit don’t know if they’re going for meta or if they’re just out of ideas. Probably the latter.
Sexy Wind-up Monkey Toy
Yes, friends, we have reached the inanimate objects portion of the program. When your sexy monkey costume is too life-like for comfort, take heart! You can be a sexy monkey toy! I assume you have to provide your own cymbals, which is really a shame. The idea of deafening everyone in a five-foot radius with ceaseless cymbal crashing was really the only appeal to this idea.
Sexy Bambi… allegedly.
1. This isn’t a costume. It’s some weird leg warmers and a leotard. The model isn’t dressed as Bambi at all. She might as well wear a shirt that reads, “Bambi.” 2. Oh-my-holy-fucking-god what is wrong with that deer? Why is it so dead-eyed and gaping-mouthed? I’m revising this costume name to Sexy Undead Bambi Who Wants to Eat Your Soul.
Sexy Prickly Pear
I’m just going to put this bluntly. A prickly pear cannot be sexy. There is no part of a cactus I want in, on, or near my genitals.