Am I right? This country has never been more off the rails. Some pundits are saying we have not been this divided since the Civil War. The Civil War, y’all. It is time to get back to our core values as Americans, back to what we know and to what will TRULY make this country great again:
Frying green vegetables in bacon fat.
What kind of sick world are we living in where green vegetables are no longer served having been lovingly prepared utilizing the artery-clogging conduit that is bacon grease? I truly think we are seeing the end-of-days.
Initially, I know I stopped getting bacon-grease-coated greens when I was enduring my sentence in Phoenix. I am not even sure Phoenicians know that you can save bacon grease for other uses. I take that back; I am not even sure Phoenicians know there is actual BACON that does not come from turkeys. I am not proud, but I will tell you honestly that living in Phoenix was probably the first time I had ever tasted a pure green bean. I said I wasn’t proud.
But now, back East of the Mississippi, I have been served vegetables that are as pure as snow. No bacon grease, no butter, no salt. Not even that hipster Pink Himalayan salt. What fresh hell is this?
You see, the green vegetables I have come to know are prepared in a perfect combination of bacon grease and butter. I watched my grandmother painstakingly pour bacon grease into mason jars that she kept in the refrigerator for later use. It looked like the aftermath of a liposuction I had seen on TLC, but when you put it in a cast-iron skillet with some butter, salt, and a vegetable, it became something sent from Heaven. Sure the vitamin and health benefits had all been deep-fried out, but I defy you to find Southern kids who will not eat their vegetables. Even okra. And aren’t we all just a little suspicious of okra anyway?
I’ll take it one step further and say that green or not, I grew up on vegetables that had been tainted to a level of perfection in ways Monsanto could only dream of. My mother’s cucumber salad calls for vinegar and WHITE sugar (gasp!). My aunt’s fried corn in a skillet with… bacon grease and butter. Hate cranberries? Southern women will put them in a relish with pounds of sugar for you. Do you think green beans are abhorrent? Let a seasoned Southern cook doctor them up with almond slivers and fried onions.
We are ruining this country, why do we have to ruin the food? I understand that a Sea World-sized soda is terrible for you. I love your amber waves of grain, America, but I just learned I can’t have gluten. I know kale is good for me and I try to eat it twice a month. But that is all I can do. I tried your Swiss chard and I thought it tasted like gum that had been sprayed with hair spray. But I tried. Can I please, for the sake of Plymouth Rock, have vegetables cooked in bacon grease and butter? Please, America, it is one thing to ruin yourself, do not ruin my good time.
This is the hour, America. We have got to come together and compromise. We must be willing to forgo literally shoving new ideas down people throats. Especially if that is the only way they are going to eat them. Can we all just agree, like our forefathers before us, that we are eating entirely too much spinach?
It is time to reach across the aisle. Let us get back to Southern-style vegetables. Bring back the bacon grease. And it makes no difference if it be prepared by a man, a woman, someone identifying as LGBT; no matter their religion or occupation or level of education. So long as they are from a Southern state, I say: Make America Greased Again!!!!