I’m not really into Pinterest or mommy blogs, but I’ve seen enough to know that DIY resourcefulness is revered and cherished among a particular type of mom. And I’ve rarely had occasion to brag on this front. Or, in fact, ever.
But this week was different. This week, the last full week of the school year, when even the most stalwart of the über-moms have been reduced to sending their kids to school with Lunchables and Capri Suns, turned out to be my moment to shine.
And I did it by giving zero fucks.
Two weeks ago, my son came home with a note informing me that he was participating, with the rest of the third grade, in something called “The Pirate Monologues.” He would need to memorize some lines and dress like his chosen pirate that day.
I immediately filed that information under “Future-Melanie’s problems” and gave it no further thought.
But, eventually, my son re-directed my attention to his plight.
“Mom, we really need to work on my costume. I’m supposed to be Captain Henry Morgan for the Pirate thingy tomorrow.”
“Captain Henry Morgan. The famous pirate.”
“Captain Morgan? You mean, like from the liquor bottle?”
“He was in a book.”
Ok, ok, ok, we can do this, I thought. And I managed to pull it together. This being a first for me, I immediately thought I should share it with you, Internet. I’m not bragging or anything, this is for posterity.
So here’s how you can build your own night-before pirate costume:
1. Wait to the last minute and give zero fucks.
Obsessively planning and going overboard is usually my default. But sometimes you have to step out of your comfort zone. Not giving a shit is a skill many of us don’t practice enough.
2. Have a petite friend with a long red coat.
This is really key. KEY. It is important, though, that you have an established enough relationship with the petite friend that he or she is willing to loan you said coat. Don’t just try to follow someone home—trust me here.
3. Go to a craft store at 8:30 the night before.
Walking through a Michael’s in a state of mild panic is pretty much the definition of creativity in the modern world.
4. Duck Tape!
It actually comes in gold! Fuck! Who knew!
5. Add a hat!
It’s ok if it’s a strategically pinned sun hat with a black brim trimmed in gold duck tape. This is third grade, not Broadway.
6. What about the frilly shirt?
Any white shirt will do. You can think about sewing a magnificent frilly collar, but why sew when you can drape and pin?!
Boots are almost exactly like sneakers with felt attached to them, amirite?
8. Drink wine while posting the pics to social media.
You pulled it off! Yay! Be sure to let everyone know how clever you are. And you did it all while giving zero fucks.