Since I moved up to the DC area in the summer of 2014, my mom’s paranoia about all of the terrible things that could possibly happen to me has reached epic proportions. Her text message freak outs have become notorious among my friends, particularly her otherwise light-hearted text messages with casual warnings like, “Watch your back, terrorists are all around us.”
As the DC metro area experienced an epic blizzard this past weekend, she’s been on high alert. So without prolonging the suspense any further, here are my favorite tidbits of blizzard advice from my southern mother:
1. Get eggs. As much Greens as possible. Don’t buy sweets. Have healthy things, including fish, chicken.
2. I know you think you know everything, but you need to have a small Coleman stove so if you lose electricity you can cook something hot.
3. Don’t fall on snow and ice when taking out to do their business. [I assume she’s talking about the dogs here, but you never know.]
4. Have all your “things electronic” charged at highest level, you will lose power.
5. Just STAY PUT. Do not shovel snow. It will kill you.
6. [the following day] Don’t shovel snow. If you don’t do high, high impact ex. Everyday you will have a heart attack FOR CERTAIN. Have the guys do it.
7. Take a large thermos of something hot, like coffee, hot chocolate, or hot tea. You really should not depend on alcohol, as it dehydrates you very quickly.
8. Do not underestimate am’t of water, you need 8 bottles a day and 8 a nights.
9. I hope you have not been eating like a pig and snacking on Crap, and drinking too much this whole time. Sorry, I know you care about yourself and so you wouldn’t do that.
I have been eating like a pig, snacking on crap, and drinking too much, and it has been glorious.
For more texts from my mother, follow me on Tumblr and Twitter @mothertxts.